The Obituary of John J. Johnson

Obituary of John J. Johnson, Draft 1

Some time late last night, between the hours of 11 pm and 3 am, entrepreneur John J. Johnson passed away, at the age of 69. Mr. Johnson was best known for his generous financial contributions to the biology departments of the majority of middle and high schools in the county. However, while Mr. Johnson was highly philanthropic during the early part of his life, his donations dwindled over the years, in favor of amassing a large collection of modern art which now decorates the extravagant family home. This transition roughly aligns with his controversial marriage to well known political activist Minerva Johnson née von Vaughan, after breaking off a very public engagement to a fellow member of the idle elite.

It is not known what will happen to Mr. Johnson’s vast collection of modern sculpture and paintings, or the Johnson family estate, which is situated just outside of town. Mr. Johnson never made any details of his will public, and so how these physical assets will be distributed amongst his living family remains to be seen. The executor of his estate—Chihiro Naruhodo, who has worked with the extended Johnson family before—has not released a statement at this time.

After a preliminary investigation, local law enforcement states that there is “No reason to assume at this time that this was anything but a tragic loss due to personal health concerns”. 

He is survived by his wife, Minerva Johnson née von Vaughan, as well as their three children, Johanna, Jason, and Dick Johnson. No statement has yet been made by the family, and none of them were available to comment at this time. 

Jess. This is completely inappropriate for an obituary. Please revise, and keep your opinions to yourself. We’re not a gossip magazine. We can publish a full article on his work/efforts in philanthropy/collecting art later. You should still mention it, but the bias in your framing is too obvious. Also, you’re missing Johnson’s oldest child (not by marriage). They don’t share the surname (Robin G. Poppele), but still might be relevant to the will, because he did recognize/keep in contact with w/ them, if not w/ their mother (Alexandra Poppele, passed a few years ago, you allude to her, if you’re struggling balancing the tone you can note that they’ve been seen together at multiple events in the past decades and have never seemed to hold any animosity). As is, this needs edits. Grammar/spelling and tone are fine, but you can’t cast a negative opinionated light on a man who died under 24 hrs ago. Smaller notes: better define his job, use full names for the children (Dick). State the name of the “local law enforcement officer” who was willing to put up with your shit long enough to give a statement. Also, I’m sure I don’t have to remind you to check that none of the facts have changed between writing and publishing. Run by me again within the hour. - Chip

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Excerpt of WETB 97.2 Radio Talkshow Transcript

Chid: Now let me walk you through this Chad, because it’s absolutely ridiculous
Chad: Alright, walk me through it.

Chid: So this reclusive bajillionaire lives, not just out of the city, but out of the city, like you can’t see the skyline from his place, you can’t see the (bleap)ing highway, that’s how reclusive this man is. And he dies, late night, everyone else in the house is asleep at the time

Chad: Painting a picture, who is “everyone else”?

Chid: “Everyone” is him, John Johnson, his wife, Minerva, their three children, Jo, Jay, and Dick, and—get this—John’s oldest child, Robin.

Chad: Clarifying your point, Robin isn’t related to the others?

Chid: No, Robin is related to John, but has no relation to Minerva. They seem to get on fine with Jo and Jay, but absolutely inseparable from Dick, they actually work together and everything. Anyway, yeah, it’s all the family together, plus Jay’s girlfriend Fiona, and Jo’s partner Roddy, plus all the staff and whatever that keep the place running. 

Chad: And that night, Mr. Johnson passes away.

Chid: Yeah, John dies, very sad for the family, whatever, he was old, and nothing says that it wasn’t just a result of his age catching up to him. Heart attack, you know. Nothing seems wrong, a rich man dies, his family gets his money, they all donate a little bit of it just like the old man used to before tax laws changed and he couldn’t get as big a tax break from it, then they all settle into their slightly wealthier lives.

Chad: Seems fairly straightforward.
Chid: Yeah, seems so. But here’s the thing. His will’s missing.

Chad: His will?

Chid: Yeah, the family finally came out and admitted it last night, they’ve got no idea what happened to the will, looks like the night that dear old daddy deadest passed away—or honestly even years earlier, none of them are quite sure—John’s will was stolen.

Chad: Stolen?

Chid: Yeah it was, you parrot. It was stolen. Family has said that they don’t know how or when it happened, and the cops are obviously all over it.

Chad: Obviously. So what will the family do with his assets?

Chid: Well even though everyone is insisting that they know he made a different document more recently, the will that’s gonna be carried out is the one he made as an impressionable late twenty-something, where pretty much all of his property is auctioned off and the proceeds go to charity.

Chad: Woah, holy shit
Chid: Yeah! Not what anyone expected, let alone the family. (laughs)

Chad: Indeed! Well, that’s our rundown of news for the day, so we’re going to go to commercials. We’ll be back in two minutes for more of WETB 97.2 F.M. 

Chid, heavy echo effect: WETB 97.2, fantasy tavern music and Ancient Greek pop song covers, all day long!

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Internal Police Communications Regarding the Johnson Case

Subject: Johnson Case Updates?

Gertrude,

Any updates on the missing will for the Johnson family? We’re gonna be the fools of the county soon if your group isn’t able to put anything together, and the folks at PR won’t get off my ass about wanting to hold a press conference and the refreshments they’ll serve when we get to say we cracked it. 

Please tell me you’ve got something?

Roddy

Subject: Re: Johnson Case Updates?

Roddy,

We do think the will was stolen, and evidence points to it having been in the past few weeks if not days surrounding Mr. Johnson’s death, but of the people present in the manor they’ve either got no motive or airtight alibis. Honestly, none of them have anything to gain by losing the family fortune, except maybe Alexandra Poppele, so by extension Robin, but she’s been dead for years, and although Robin got on well with their mom they’ve shown no signs of following in her footsteps. Even Alexandra didn’t cause this much chaos by auctioning off all her possessions when she died, calling all the sharks to our district courthouse within the month. 

Either way, I cannot tell you more, no matter how much you claim PR is on your case, and you know damn well why. You’re far too involved. Step back, and let the professionals handle this. 

Gertrude H. 

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Impressions of Members of the Johnson Family on J. Johnson’s Death, from Police Interviews

Minerva (wife) - Full of idle energy but no idea or care about directing it. She tried to convince the interviewer to discuss interior decorating tips no less than a dozen times. Didn’t mention her husband’s death until asked repeatedly, and even then pretended as though everything was alright, keeping up the housewife facade. She’s trying to keep it together, but she clearly loves him, and gains nothing by losing the fortune.

Johanna (daughter - oldest of Minerva’s) - Strongly negative view of father, repeatedly noted that she didn’t want to be dragged out to this interview. Seems to be annoyed about interview more than anything, and so claiming that she only cares about her father or his will as it interrupts her life, and “the only thing I’ll ever feel about that bastard stepping into what’s mine is anger”. After research, her business appears to be primarily managing her father’s art collection. 

Jason (son - middle of Minerva’s) - Has been an actor since a very young age, seemed to be slipping between characters throughout the interview, listening back to the interview recording he directly quoted films he was in at least a dozen times. Charming young man. I… think we forgot to ask him about his father. Somehow.

Dick (son - youngest of Minerva’s) - Joked that the only thing he could resent his father for was a childhood of being called Dick. Can’t blame him for that. Admitted to being angered by will being stolen, wanted funds from it to help his and Robin’s business (not doing well?)

Robin (oldest of Alexandra) - Openly positive view of their father, when asked about any thoughts on the will stated that they don’t have preferences either way, due to being self-sufficient, claimed they would have donated their portion to charity either way. Clearly untrue, I saw them try to pocket some of the cutlery on their way out.

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Selection of the Transcript of the Auction of the Estate of John J. Johnson

[...] Now, before we start today’s auction, we’d like to take a moment to thank the late Mr John J. Johnson. A prominent member of the philanthropic community in his youth, John realized partway through his life that, through investing in the arts, he could greatly increase his net worth, paving the path for such a monumental contribution to charity, as the profits from tonight’s auction. 

For our first item tonight, lot number 1, we’re looking at a four foot (about 1.2 meters for any non-Americans in the audience) tall gold alloy statue of a tree in four seasons. Parts of the tree have been plated in stainless steel, although analysis shows that these sections are not solid steel, the gold continues underneath. Twenty years ago, an image of this sculpture was used as the main marketing image for the “Stop Disruptive Environmental Protests Protest” at the local university, which almost led to the north quarter of the city catching ablaze. 

Now, how about we start the bidding at… 100,000 dollars, no 2… 3. 300,000 dollars to start with, on this exceptional sculpture. Do I have 4? I have 4, 5, 7, 8 [...]

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Midnight Show Interview with Johnson Family – Opening

Hello there everyone, tonight on the Midnight Show we’ve got some very special guests, the Johnson family! Now, introducing everyone, from left to right we have the lovely Mrs. Johnson, and her charming children Johanna and Jason Johnson. 

Now, this is a question to all of you, you’ve been in town all week for the auction of Mr Johnson’s art collection, how’s that been? 

…

Oh! We appear to be having a microphone malfunction of some kind, well that’s alright folks, we’ll work through this, I’ll just lean in close Mrs. Johnson, try to speak up a bit. Let’s see if my mic can pick it up.

When this all started out, we were all so furious, I mean, who wouldn’t be, hearing that they’d lost that much, not just the money, but (unclear) and the memories of John tied to them. But now I can honestly say I’m really happy (unclear), it just feels so good to give back to the community this way. Actually, I was talking with Chihiro (unclear) John had asked to meet with her about a day before he passed, and based on some of the things he said, maybe he was planning on changing it to something like this anyway. So really, it all worked out for the best. 

Wow that’s just beautiful isn’t it, everyone! (faint applause) Johanna, Jason, anything to add on that?

…

Yeah that’s true, I don’t think asking you to replicate your mother’s eloquence is a very reasonable suggestion (laughs). 

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Breaking News in the Aftermath of the John J. Johnson Collection Auction

Breaking news about the missing will of John J. Johnson. After the will of local celebrity John J. Johnson vanished, his family was forced to revert to an older draft of the document, selling off the vast majority of the family fortune in modern art and sculpture, donating the proceeds to charity. However, mere hours after the final auction of his estate with the proceeds going to charity ended, the document in question has been recovered! The entire extended Johnson family is now demanding the proceeds from the auction return to them, instead of going to charity, citing the recovered will.

Local radio personalities Chad and Chid, as well as Roddy Thorston—police officer and partner of Johnson family member Johanna Johnson—are under suspicion for the theft. 

More on this story as it unfolds.